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Just Humor – Past


Vaccin fabrication maison by tuttouno

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Panorama – April Fool’s Day Hoax – Spaghetti
Harvest – 1st April 1957

In the modern era, our favorite media hoax is still the BBC’s classic 1957 Swiss Spaghetti Harvest story. The three-minute report had all the hallmarks of a perfect prank: an implausible absurdity, presented with deadpan earnestness. The BBC received hundreds of calls from viewers wanting to buy spaghetti bushes.

Weekend Laughter – Sarah Palin


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Vaccin fabrication maison by tuttouno

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Panorama – April Fool’s Day Hoax – Spaghetti
Harvest – 1st April 1957

In the modern era, our favorite media hoax is still the BBC’s classic 1957 Swiss Spaghetti Harvest story. The three-minute report had all the hallmarks of a perfect prank: an implausible absurdity, presented with deadpan earnestness. The BBC received hundreds of calls from viewers wanting to buy spaghetti bushes.

Weekend Laughter – Sarah Palin


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Vaccin fabrication maison by tuttouno

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Panorama – April Fool’s Day Hoax – Spaghetti
Harvest – 1st April 1957

In the modern era, our favorite media hoax is still the BBC’s classic 1957 Swiss Spaghetti Harvest story. The three-minute report had all the hallmarks of a perfect prank: an implausible absurdity, presented with deadpan earnestness. The BBC received hundreds of calls from viewers wanting to buy spaghetti bushes.

Weekend Laughter – Sarah Palin

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Weekend Laugh

Showdown In Elk Town – Human Planet, Cities, Preview – BBC One

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“SNL” – Debbie Downer

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BP Spill


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Some Weekend Laughter

McChrystal’s Balls – Honorable Discharge

Jon Stewart Destroys Bill Kristol on Health Care – The Ultimate Smackdown!

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Men’s and Women’s Brains, Have a Laugh

These days women are entitled to know these basic truths.

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‘SNL’ Rips BP, Halliburton For Failed Oil Containment

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Butler Hoops Team Under Investigation – AP

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Beck Charges The McGlynn as The Root of Subversion of the Country

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Weekend Laugh – Presidential Reunion

Funny or Die’s Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

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Take a Break, Enjoy a Laugh

Raptor Devours Cheerleader

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Unusually Large Snowstorm-Humor

Jon Stewart

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Mass Backwards – Jon Stewart

 

SNL Mocks Glenn Beck For Conspiracy Theories, Lack Of Sanity

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‘SNL’ Takes On The State Of The Union (VIDEO)

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The Snowman – Vancouver Film School (VFS)

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Saturday Night Live – Obama and Hu Jintao

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Palin Tricked By Comedian Again, Says Canada Should Drop Public Health Care (VIDEO)

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Robin Williams On David Letterman 2009/11/23

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Saturday Night Live: The French Chef

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Apology

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http://www.youtube.com/v/eYlJH81dSiw&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0]>

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Assassinated Red Menace Dictator Dumped into The AuSable

Originally Reported May, 2005

The Irrelevant Press reported this morning that General Sciurus Vulgaris, dictator of the Red Menace, was assassinated by a bullet to the head while eating lunch on the banks of the AuSable at noon on April 30, the most holy of days in this year’s calendar. It is reported that the General’s mind had been affected for a long time by the virus parapox, giving him a false sense of security. The parapox spreading program was initiated two years ago under the direct orders of President Sciurus Carolinensis, the leader of the rebellious Greys. The President was quoted saying at that time that all means, including the Greys’ natural borne parapox, was to be employed in the annihilation of the Red Menace.

A year ago, with victory still in doubt, Carolinensis ordered the introduction of Viagra as a food supplement for his army, contributing to a dramatic increase in the army’s numbers and a satisfied barracks’ life for the troops. Another tactic used was the introduction of truckloads of salted shelled peanuts for his troops; the salt being required for the survival of his army of Greys but anathema to the Red Menace. Caches of peanuts were stored underground for winter sustenance.

Carolinensis has denied Vulgaris all funeral rights and has denied a request for his body from the Sciurus Vulgaris of Great Britain, where the struggle between the Greys and the Red Menace continues unabated. Rumor has it that the body was mistakenly buried but was dug up by a battalion of Greys and, following a massive celebration and a torch parade led by Carolinensis under a banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished”, dumped the remains into the AuSable river at midnight.

The assassination of Vulgaris could mean the death knell of the Red Menace and the complete return of the AuSable country to a stable democracy under Carolinensis. Under his leadership a clandestine program of rendition was enacted whereby dissident Greys are sent to Great Britain where they must join the Greys in the battle against the Red Menace or face extermination or sterilization at the hands of the Red Menace, assisted by the British Government.

(The BBC reports that the Ministry of Agriculture and the Forestry Commission has given financial incentives to those killing the Greys. Cartridges are issued free to approved grey squirrel clubs; for those operating independently, a quid was given per tail sent to the county pest officer in bundles of six. Some relished the thought of using new poisons, ICI explosives, gas, and elaborate traps against the grey offenders. Boys are allegedly removing tails from live squirrels. The Forestry commission advised enticing the Greys into sacks to kill them (probably haphazardly) through a blow to the head with a cricket bat. A member of the House of Lords has called for the Greys to be ’shot on sight’ in an effort to keep their numbers under control.

“We must revert to a policy of shooting on sight,” said Viscount Brookborough. “I accept that we would not wipe them out, but where we are we have found that the best way of control.”
Baroness Farrington outlined government plans for a sterilization program for the Greys (calling them grey bushy-tailed menaces) in order to keep their numbers at bay. “What we are doing is working, and hoping, through sponsoring via the Forestry Commission, a project at Sheffield University, that within three years of testing we may have developed a successful sterilization program”. (See “The British Have Gone Mad” below.

In a wide rambling celebration speech President Carolinensis again addressed the danger that the Vulgaris in Great Britain pose to the Grey Nation. Stating that the weapons of mass destruction that Great Britain possess and are providing the Vulgaris are an imminent threat he went on to say: “The folks who conducted to act on our country made a big mistake. They underestimated our nation of Greys. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the President, too.
The enemy understands a free Sciurus will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously. The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Sciurus want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
As you know, we don’t have relationships with Great Britain. I mean, that’s — ever since the late ’80s, we have no contacts with them, and we’ve totally sanctioned them. In other words, there’s no sanctions — you can’t — we’re out of sanctions.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our Grey citizens, and neither do we.
Believing that security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace, we will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental — supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.
We ended the rule of one of history’s worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the Greys, we made our own Greys more secure.
You’re free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it’ll take time to restore chaos and order — order out of chaos. But we will. We hold dear what our Carolinensis Sciurus Declaration of Independence says, that all have got uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator.
Soon we will have an election. Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in our land at this point in history?”

To the Vulgaris terrorists the President had this to say:
“My answer is bring them on. And in my judgment, when the the Grey Nation says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn’t serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences. Further the notion that the Grey Nation is getting ready to attack Great Britain is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table. I’m the commander — see, I don’t need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.”

As he left the stage the President greeted a former soldier saying “I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Grey who had his hand cut off by Vulgaris”

The elderly Vulgaris, one-time AuSable Country vagabond who rose to be the dictator of the Red Menace , and the scourge of the Greys, was, like many of the world’s dictators, a product of civil chaos which brought Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini to power. The Sciurus Famine of the ‘80s was such a chaos, leading to the titanic struggle over AuSable’s food supply which paved the way for Vulgaris’s domination in the former mighty AuSable land of the Greys.

Before the climax of a brutal career unparalleled in Sciurus history, he had subdued the Greys, imported the Red Menace Army and created a social and economic system founded upon the complete subjection of the populace to his will in all basic features of social, political, economic and cultural life. His depravity knew no bounds, even ordering his army to bite the private parts off their victims

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The British Have Gone Mad!

Saving a Squirrel by Eating One

By MARLENA SPIELER

Click For Full Article

RARE roast beef splashed with meaty jus, pork enrobed in luscious crackling fat, perhaps a juicy, plump chicken … these are feasts that come to mind when one thinks of quintessential British food. Lately, however, a new meat is gracing the British table: squirrel.

Though squirrel has appeared occasionally in British cookery, history doesn’t deem it a dining favorite. Even during World War II and the period of austerity that followed, the Ministry of Food valiantly promoted the joys of squirrel soup and pie. British carnivores replied, “No, thank you.”

These days, however, in farmers’ markets, butcher shops, village pubs and elegant restaurants, squirrel is selling as fast as gamekeepers and hunters can bring it in……………………………

While some have difficulty with the cuteness versus deliciousness ratio — that adorable little face, those itty-bitty claws — many feel that eating squirrel is a way to do something good for the environment while enjoying a unique gastronomical experience.

With literally millions of squirrels rampaging throughout England, Scotland and Wales at any given time, squirrels need to be controlled by culls. This means that hunters, gamekeepers, trappers and the Forestry Commission (the British equivalent of forest rangers) provide a regular supply of the meat to British butchers, restaurants, pâté and pasty makers and so forth.

The situation is more than simply a matter of having too many squirrels. In fact, there is a war raging in Squirreltown: invading interlopers (gray squirrels introduced from North America over the past century or more) are crowding out a British icon, the indigenous red squirrel immortalized by Beatrix Potter and cherished by generations since. The grays take over the reds’ habitat, eat voraciously and harbor a virus named squirrel parapox (harmless to humans) that does not harm grays but can devastate reds. (Reports indicate, though, that the reds are developing resistance.)…………………….

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Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy

…I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND !!!!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ’s enemies .

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous .
Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions,
I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together
in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch ?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage .
I was thinking,’What if I spurt on Andy ?’

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that ?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed
with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full ” Fire Hose Mode . ”
You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand .

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba .
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
‘Dancing Queen’ has to be the least appropriate .
‘You want me to turn it up ?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me .

‘Ha ha,’ I said . And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade . I f you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like .

I have no idea . Really I slept through it .
One moment, Abba was shrieking ‘Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine …’
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood .
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors ..

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

COLONOSCOPIES

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous……

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies :

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before !

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet ?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW ?’

4. ‘Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief ?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels !’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit !’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you ?’

13.. ‘How far up did you go ? I now have a sore throat.’

And the best one of all..

14. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here .

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Questions Of & For The Ancient People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt .’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: ‘Gosh, I remember these. ******

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One Response to “Just Humor – Past”

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    gratis spelletjes Says:

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